I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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