I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
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I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
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Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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