I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
