Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
