Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
