girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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