I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
