when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
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i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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