She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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