there's paper in my vomit.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
