She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
