Having a random hookup so left but love u
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
