Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
