life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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