just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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