and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
