yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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