when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
