The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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