If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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