That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Randomize
