she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
