After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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