u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
