im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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