Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
