I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
