Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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