I wish my penis had an off switch
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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