You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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