How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
