oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
