never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
