My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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