How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You're like the curious george of whores
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
All I want is dick and wine.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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