i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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