What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
her facebook's as public as her vagina
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
