Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
