should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
