I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
