my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
