I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
