Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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