I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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