Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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