You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
