Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
