I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
