Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
