There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
