Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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