they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
