The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
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We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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