the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
