i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
