does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
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apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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