After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
