and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
