My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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