I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
