i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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