I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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