I wish I could teleport
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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