I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
