And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
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She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
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I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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