Moan for me like Helen Keller
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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