dude i'm inner monologue high
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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