fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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